If I made it to such high levels, it wasn't easy.
Natural talents were insufficing,
it took me tenacity, obstinacy, ab...
negation, culture
and, I guess, a pinch of luck too.
- MY HEROICALS -
But let's start from the start, how I took my first steps.
Good morning.
A pleasure, Zalone.
- Don't stand. - Mr. Zalone...
- It says here you're from Apulia. - Yes.
But you live near Milan.
We've been in Lombardy for years, by now I'm a native.
Good, good.
Is this your second attempt to join the Force?
My third.
Aggravating circumstances of the habitual offender!
Why this desire to be a Carabiniere?
It's been a passion of mine since I was 10.
My Uncle Giuseppe was a Carabiniere.
So, he was the one who got you in to this feeling,
this feeling of patriotism...
He got me in to the game whenever I wanted.
And loads of things... Christmas!
Christmas was fantastic!
He'd seize fireworks, bring them home
and let us shoot them off all night.
Uncle Giuseppe was great.
- Is your uncle still in the Force? - Oh yeah.
- Good, give me his name. - Capobianco Giuseppe.
The Finance Police can run a check.
The Finance? Then write: Capobianco Vincenzo.
- Who's he? - His brother, he's in the Finance.
They'd seize cigarettes,
tons of cigarettes!
Once I asked him for... I don't say a carton, just a pack...
A Carabiniere's more of a gentleman.
You won't believe this, but I was rejected again.
Didn't hit it off with that colonel.
That can happen.
Who's never got on some high school prof's neck?
Me, I never went!
I remember my dejection, bitterness,
my aimless wandering,
when suddenly a light lit up...
It was the fuel warning.
Gas is back there.
LPG, 7 Euros.
Now I had to break it to my mother,
who, to pull me through, had turned to high circles,
the... highest.
Holy Mary, mother of God pray for us sinners...
Quiet, Checco's ringing.
You listen too, Maria.
Mom...
they screwed me.
No!
Third time! The devil with you and Checco too.
My son's just unlucky!
My Carabiniere dream gone,
I went back to working at that stupid disco,
where what scared you wasn't violence, it was mentality,
the narrow-minded pacifism.
Checco, it's awful seeing you like this.
So you didn't make it, don't be down.
- Your thing's security. - This is security?
You call this security, a place like this?
Security's action, movement, intervention.
Watch.
Good evening Miss, outstanding, a nice rack,
- Outstanding to you too who... - Thank you.
Not at all, jerk.... The mentality's all wrong.
You need a job worthy of you.
- I gotta pee. - Okay, I'll handle things.
Good evening, Miss, outstanding rack you've got there.
Outstanding to you too who...
What the fuck do you want?
- Sorry, just getting the mentality. - I'll give you the mentality!
But a real security man knows his moment will come...
Intelligence fears terrorist action targeting monuments and churches.
...he's gotta be ready...
Security must be tightened by hiring more men.
...gotta push forward...
Men who are professionally prepared and absolutely trustworthy.
...you gotta find courage...
That letter from Father Bruno
asking me to help his housekeeper's son,
let's contact him.
...you gotta pull strings guys!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY
Father Bruno's a saint!
You got a job,
- now you'll find a nice girl. - Let's hope!
The car?
- Security. The bishop? - That way.
Gabriele, go easy on breakfasts!
Move, it's late!
- Zalone, security. - Ivano. Your photos?
Very good.
You'll be at the entrance to the Archbishop's See.
- We have international visitors. Do you know languages? - I do.
- English? - Yes.
- French? - Oui.
- Spanish? - Alsos.
God bless you.
Ma'am, move along.
Visitors must be suitably dressed:
jackets, no bare arms.
Father Ivano, don't worry.
Ivano, I'm not a priest yet.
- Not a priest yet? - Soon.
When I saw you I thought: "So young and already integrated!"
I'll wait for you below.
- Remember about kissing the ring. - Yes, the ring...
- Can I? - Come in.
- Good morning, I'm Checco. - My dearest Checco!
Have a seat!
You're in security, correct?
It's my field, I've been in security situations for scads.
You'll work three months initially, but if things go well, as I believe,
you'll have a full-time contract. - That's my life's attraction.
Those who start here go to the top, look at Guido!
- The guy on the left? - Of course!
He began here, now he's the Pope's bodyguard.
Promotion goes in automatic?
- Get to work! - Do I...?
Father Bishop, you won't sorry yourself.
- How did it go? - Great, the bishop's nice.
Call me if you need anything.
Here we are on this important day!
- Colonel, all under control? - Naturally.
Eminence, I saw a young man leave your office.
He's our new security man.
- That man? - Yes.
As I'm responsible for security...
He was recommended by a trustworthy person,
relax or your heart will keep playing tricks.
- How are you? - Fine.
Since my promotion to Rome is in the balance...
You'll be going to Rome.
There's one thing... my brethren, I'll be along.
To keep people from asking me for work, I had an idea:
Checco Zalone was hired by you, agreed?
I was unbending and determined on the rules.
No way you can see the Bishop dressed like that!
Naked arms, thongs... This is no beach!
Know who they are? They're from Tibet.
Go back to Tibet, get a nice jacket, a tie,
even a blazer, but thongs are out!
Get a load of this guy! Over there!
The Bishop's over there?
No, Capobianco Gino, barber, say Checco sent you.
- Ma'am, you must remove the veil. - Why?
Security reasons.
For the same reasons, replace it.
Let's all go backwards!
- CHURCH ACCUSED OF RACISM -
I even got in the papers.
Ivano, send a letter of apology inviting their return.
Eminence, this Zalone isn't capable.
Give him time, we mustn't judge by a first mistake.
Ivano, let's not leave him at the enrance,
- we'll place him a bit out of the way. - Much better.
The Holy See!
In those halls, through those misty places,
among angels and demons, I felt I was in a story by "Don" Brown.
Who's never read his novels?
Me, I saw the movie for short, but, no difference:
the same possible ambushes,
the same plots
to nip in the bud.
"We'll grab him in the garden of olives."
"He'll be the first..."
- rouble? - I'm fine.
I'm the new security man, promoted in automatic.
- You know Joseph? - Quite well.
I'll be working with him soon.
Any rouble, just yell out.
You're all here!
Piero, who squandered his entire salary on video poker.
And our Flavia!
You remember her case, don't you?
Her son would give her grocery money
and she'd play the numbers, a riplet every week.
- 8, 18 and 58. - She still remembers them!
But through this marvelous path of faith,
you've defeated the hateful demon of gambling,
the mortal sin which reduced you...
Good, it's time to celebrate! Well done!
Your Eminence!
Excuse me, I must leave a moment,
don't pop the cork without me, I want to celebrate with you.
I'll be right back!
Excuse me, security!
- What are you doing here? - Waiting for the bishop.
- Where is he? - He'll be here in a moment.
- Clear out, the bishop's not coming. - No, he said he was.
That's what he always says.
- He assured us. - I tell you he's not coming.
Want to bet?
Come on!
Hey dude, you scared?
10 Euros.
My family's lucky.
The other day, my aunt got a riplet: 8, 18 and 58!
My numbers!
- Did you play them? - No.
Idiot, play them next time!
If he comes in his beret, I'll pay riple the stakes.
We need something more in line with his abilities.
Excuse me, Eminence, what abilities?
What abilities...
What about the Cathedral museum?
No.
It has priceless works, I wouldn't risk it.
Then where? Madonnina, assist me!
Madonnina...
Of course, we'll put him at the Madonnina!
It's settled, at the Madonnina.
It's settled.
I'd earned the reciprocal esteem of those three,
so I was given the most sensitive spot.
They've increased security.
Sufien, it's impossible to bomb the Madonnina, let's forget it.
I won't give up.
How do we get an explosive up there?
There's a metal detector
and only security is allowed up.
In fact...
one of them will take the bomb up.
Who?
He's perfect!
Make friends with him,
show you're unattached.
Get me?
We'll speak Italian on the phone.
- Bye, little sister. - Bye.
Come this way.
Move along to that painting, I'll be right there.
- Ivano! - Checco, what are you doing here?
- Eating. - You can't.
- Why not? - It's a museum, go up to your post.
I'm going, don't worry.
Excuse me...
- Hi! - Hi!
I'm looking for the painting of St. Teresa.
The painting of St. Teresa, well...
- We have it? - Yes.
- It dates back to the 1600s. - The 1600s?
Think they threw it out?
Now you come... Wait...
Ivano!
The 1600s St. Teresa painting.
It's in the next room, lower your voice.
It's this way.
Forgive me...
Starting tomorrow I'm in here!
Here it is!
It's so beautiful!
And looks brand new!
Why does she have that look...?
It's ecstasy.
An addict...
and they made her a saint, that's real forgiveness.
- A pleasure, Farah. - Checco.
- You work here? - No, I manage the Madonnina.
The high spire.
- It's nice there. - Wonderful!
You can see discos, pigeons... all the best things.
Too bad we can't take pictures.
- Who said? - The sign.
Who put that there?
Take your picture.
Ivano!
Could we cut initiatives with no advancing warning?
No way to work...
This is the high terrace with the best view of the Madonnina.
Wonderful! Can we go up?
No, only us with third level security can.
Why the interest in paintings?
I'm doing a thesis on Italian painting,
I'm an architecture student.
I need a place to stay, I'm here with a Grant.
- He's a boyfriend? - No.
A place to stay... even on the outerskirts?
- Is it very far? - No.
Since our parish priest retired,
I'm handling his house, if you want...
Yes, I'd like to see it.
- Thank you for everything. - Bye, Farah.
- Thank you! Bye. - Bye.
Excuse me, how's Farah spelled?
- With an 'h' at the end. - Oh, a mutee.
- You're a foreigner, right? - Yes.
Okay, bye!
- SEARCH -
- ABOUT 45,987 RESULTS -
♪If I'd invented Facebook, I'd make a rule that stuck:♪
♪no pictures on your profile, if you suck.♪
♪The worse they are as lookers the more they act like hookers.♪
♪But I have a clue, it might be just a feeling,♪
♪that for a girl like you my tool would be appealing.♪
♪Add me as a friend, I'll tag you onto my domain,♪
♪but if you pretend, I'll untag my veins in pain.♪
♪Believe me, you're not like the usual friends,♪
♪the ones we make for dirty ends...♪
- MARIA: AM I DISTURBING YOU? -
♪Add me as your friend, I'll give a poke to you each day...♪
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? -
♪...but if you pretend, I'll get a chicken and lay...♪
- I'M SLEEPING -
♪You're the game plan in my heart,♪
♪all the others now,♪
♪only make me fart.♪
Go on!
Think he likes me?
Sure, deep down you mean a lot to him.
Wait!
These come off to show some face.
You're so lovely!
- Go on, Maria! - I'm going.
Farah, I searched all night for you!
What the fuck!
The LSD portal's okay...
The plug!
Sorry, I ripped.
Breakfast!
St. Joseph, get them together.
Why you gotta bust my balls, me of all people?
Coffee with sugar... I take sweetener!
I didn't do it on purpose!
I like chocolate cookies!
Glasses!
Please, this way.
The new security man?
Just fine.
Where is he?
- GETTING COFFEE, BE BACK, HEAD OF SECURITY -
I sent him on special duty.
Let's go back down.
You were fired from a disco
where you worked only weekends for 50 Euros,
that's the ragedy?
- That's not the problem. - Then what?
It's not easy to say.
You can talk to me.
I'm...
still a virgin.
That's so wrong.
I suffer but I've never told anyone.
But I consider you a friend and a sensitive person.
I did it at 16!
It was great, with the butcher's daughter.
That night my mom knocked just as we were...
You have to help me,
I need a girl...
- Maria! - The baby-sitter?
Yeah, she's still a virgin.
I don't like her very much.
- Sorry, Checco. - Don't conradict, it gets me.
I tend to express my opinion these days.
- But you're pushing it. - Sorry.
Hi, Checco!
- How are you? - Wait, your name is...
- Farah, we met yesterday. - Of course!
What are you doing here?
Sit down, sit down... Get up, get up!
This is Giovanni, Maria's boyfriend.
- He has to go now. - Where?
To Maria.
What can you tell me?
- About the house you said... - The keys, it's yours.
- Just like that? - Yeah.
Where is this house?
- Giovanni, where are you off to? - To Maria.
Later, take Farah to Father Bruno's.
- I have bags... - Giovanni can do that.
- Go with Giovanni! - Okay...
Go ahead.
Checco, maybe I'll see Maria tomorrow.
I mean right away.
Go ahead. Are your bags heavy?
The fish is on the hook.
He shows interest?
Yes, pretty much, we're going out soon.
- And you? - I spoke to some people.
I'll soon have news on the gift.
- Bye, little sister. - Bye, little brother.
Shut your eyes, no peeking!
- Where did you bring me? - You'll see.
This is a thing
that's no place else in the world, I guarantee.
It's a unique piece, I'm the only one with it,
only Checco can show you this, it's a unique chance.
At three, open your eyes. One... two... three!
It's a rullo!
A rullo in Brianza, how's that possible?
My grandfather left it to me, he was from Alberobello.
Come on, I'll show you.
Grandpa Checco...
The last 20 years of his life were with us in Milan.
I was very fond of Grandpa Checco.
We spent lots of time together,
he'd tell me stories of when he was young,
things about the war.
I was probably his favorite grandson.
Grandpa Checco...
And then he went to Heaven.
When he did, he left my cousins 50,000 Euros
and I got this turd!
- It's a turd! - No, it's nice!
It's no offence.
Red brick for a rullo... Come on in.
- It's typical. - Typical of an asshole like him!
Look.
He didn't even plasterize it!
I used to change his diaper!
If I'd known, I'd have left him in his shit!
The walls are a bit crumbly...
Shouldn't speak ill of the dead, but what a bastard!
Something can be done.
Just to pull it down would cost me 10,000 Euros.
Really?
But then you could do something nice.
You're the architect, you can.
No, I'm not one yet,
besides, Town Hall has to sign the plan...
- Capobianco Stefano. - Who's that?
My mother's great-uncle, Town Hall Technical Office.
What are you saying?
One day you'll understand lots of things about this counry...
Life's good here.
You study? Not worth a fucking damn!
- CAPOBIANCO, KING OF PORK -
- It's been a nice... - Evening.
It's even a bit cool.
- I'm here. - Your house?
- Good luck on tomorrow's interview. - Thank you.
- Let's hope it goes okay. - It'll go great.
Listen, Maria...
I have to talk to you,
but maybe some other time.
I really like you.
- I thought so! - You did?
But I'll be open with you, I love someone else.
Really?
Okay, it didn't work out.
- I'm sorry. - Don't worry...
I'm happy for you.
- Thank you! - You're welcome, goodnight.
Checco, you saw?
- You're so naive, Giovanni! - Why?
Girls test us to see if we really like them.
Talking to her though she seems nice.
She's a hag, want her unpleasant too?
But she's okay for starters, play up!
He's saying that the bomb is ready to go off at 5.
Notice this palatal sound
which exists in Arabic, but not in Italian.
There are many words in Arabic with this sound,
I'll help you pronounce it well.
Good, very good!
- Me? - Your pronunciation's excellent.
- Where's your duty post? - The Cathedral.
So, a man selected by Colonel Mazzini!
- Yes. - Good.
Since you're so good, let's see...
If you discern two obsreperous or even non-obsreperous persons
confabulating cryptically,
possibly with ostentatious equanimity...
What do you comprehend?
Actually, I didn't comprehend the Italian, about the ostentatious...
equanimity. Yeah, all geniuses here!
We'll put a bomb in the church.
- Did you understand? - No.
Aren't you Arab?
Yes, I'm Maghrebi, but raised in France.
- What's it mean? - "We'll put a bomb in the church."
I'm taking a course of Arabic for work.
- I thought you could help me! - Sorry, I can't.
Farah...
I love you.
What did you say now?
It means...
"What a beautiful day."
That's what Arabs say when they meet...
Why don't we go to the lake?
- Why not? - Hum... I dunno!
Since I study all the time, my mom thinks I'm nuts,
I never studied in my whole life.
- And your father? - He's working abroad.
You've got to meet him.
- What's your hunger level? - Pretty good.
We've got potatoes, rice and mussels...
some cutlets...
mozzarella...
My mother would have packed more but I just told her yesterday.
I brought couscous.
Okay, let's see...
Excuse me. Hello!
- The bath is nearly ready. - Good.
How's the chicken coming?
Relax, it's on the fire.
What's he like?
What are you doing?
It took five hours to make, it was for us!
- It wasn't feed? - No.
I thought it was for the ducks.
No, it's a typical dish!
- For people? - Yes, we eat it.
Come on, dig in!
Want to start with these? Go ahead.
- Hi, Checco. - Giovanni, I have to talk to you.
I have an interview for that supermarket security job,
can we talk later?
No, I can't.
- Listen... - You can't stay here, Checco!
- I have something to confess. - I can't confess you...
The personnel manager's here.
- I don't give a damn. - What?
- I'm in love. - Nice!
Yeah, but it's different, no one-night stand,
we talk, spend time together...
She hasn't put out, she's deferring.
But she will...
That means it's love, I'm glad.
And you?
I have my faith and I'm in love with art.
I called her again,
but I just couldn't ask her to consummate right away.
You're making a big mistake, get down to substance,
you're throwing your life away.
You piss me off!
Want to spend your life jerking off?
You risk blindism!
Okay... bye.
- Sorry, it was my best friend. - Let's go.
They leave for London tonight, a friend's waiting at the airport.
What do they want to do, Sufien?
Bring down Big Ben.
Why did you bring them here?
They're helping me,
they're getting the explosive for me.
Sufien, it was our revenge.
It was our revenge.
Did anyone see them come?
It's the jerk!
Is Farah here?
- Hi, Farah. - Hi, Checco.
- My brother Sufien. - Your brother!
- Hi, Soufflé! - Sufien.
- Two friends. - Hi.
Since my father's back,
we're having a big dinner tonight, I'd like to invite you.
I'd love to, but I can't leave them.
You can all come! Everybody!
The food will be great this evening!
- I'll get ready. - Go get ready.
Hi, I'm Checco.
You'll be getting a great meal tonight.
What's he want?
How do I know!
Do you live in Islam?
Jokes just burst out!
The next will be even better!
These Italians are so ignorant!
Islam isn't a counry, it's a faith!
Don't get pissed.
Where are you from?
From Catholic!
I'll wait for you out.
Farah, I'm out!
Here you go!
Dear friends, open wide your hearts and mouths
for what can be defined as the octopus of the year!
Here you go!
I've had it with the stink of fish!
Fish stinks? Since when!
Just in from Iraq and I've got an opinion conflict!
- What does your father do in Iraq? - He's a soldier.
Dad's a soldier in the Italian Army.
Iraq's not the only place he's been!
He's been in Lebanon...
- What's Lebanon like, Dad? - Great fish!
- He's been in Afghanistan. - Not bad!
Lots of cheese, poulry.
- Eat up! - Mister Nicola,
might your presence in Iraq be unwelcome to the Arab people?
- I'm not staying forever! - When do you leave?
Soon as my mortgage is paid...
That's why you're in Iraq? That's your ideal?
6,000 Euros a month, don't do a fucking thing,
for me, that's my ideal!
Flight AZ504 for London, boarding immediately, gate 20.
- Can I help you? - No, you're a guest, I'll do it.
For me, politicians are all the same, it's money that counts.
We all should pray in our own religion,
and no one should say anything.
But I don't like the way Moslemism reats women.
The women thing again!
I've seen really bad things on TV.
We should respect women, they're human beings.
By the way, let's stop it. Coffee?
Mom, five coffees, make it fast!
Not all water!
We tossing these mussels out?
- Enough! - I'm all set.
- You'll offend me. - Just taste!
Your Eastern mussels are bland,
but these are from Taranto, taste!
Here I go.
No!
- Lemon ruins it! - That's just decoration!
Mussels must be fundamentalist, no lemon!
Taste, then tell your friends.
How is it?
- Good! - Move, go with the mussels!
Eat!
- Good! - Delicious!
Exraordinary!
The plane's leaving, are you coming?
We've got rouble.
With the police?
No.
You've gone chicken! Hello!
Let me know about the explosive?
Go crap!
Fuck off!
Relax, I'll find the explosive.
I said to get chocolate,
but she's got a thing for vanilla.
The girl you brought last night,
you like her.
You like her, each to his tastes!
But there's a problem, she's Arab.
So?
They're different from us, with other customs,
they're odd.
I don't understand.
Even that way of theirs,
that resentment when you're nice to them...
Dad, when you say you're a soldier,
explain you're on mission for world peace.
Move, we still have to buy a baptism gift!
- I'm on mission for my own peace. - I get you.
Back one day and I already miss the renches.
At your orders!
Mom, I was thinking...
Could I invite Farah to the baptism in Alberobello?
Ask her to come, I like her.
- Dad just came out with... - Forget him!
Listen, are you in love?
You can tell your mom!
Doesn't she have small tits?
She'll get better.
I can't tell him you'll be absent for a baptism.
- Tell him my Grandmother died. - No, I don't tell lies!
- She's old, she might really die. - No!
Farah's coming too, please!
- Then, go! - Thanks.
- What's this? - Buy some panzerotti!
Today's news.
Causing worry and debate is the latest message from Bin Laden
in which he invites Arabs not to eat raw mussels.
Experts are ascertaining that the message
contains no veiled threats to our counry.
And now sports, brought to you by...
Banca Popolare of Bari, an international bank at your doorstep.
It's fantastic!
Come on, let's go inside.
Children in double Indian file! Good boys.
Gabriele's here!
Now we'll baptize him.
Father Angelo, what's this story?
Why can't this lovely girl be the godmother?
She's had no sacraments.
You get stopped by things like that!
Father Angelo, what I'd like to say is...
- Checco... - You listen too!
We're here from Milan,
I work with the bishop, at the highest level,
and if the whole family's decided that Farah's the godmother,
why do you butt in and say she can't?
She's had no sacraments,
no baptism, no confirmation, not even communion.
Coming to the South is like returning to the Middle Ages,
cloak and dagger!
Call Uncle Giuseppe.
This ass face!
Capobianco.
- Uncle! - It's you.
- Aren't you coming? - I've got a snag.
Father Angelo says Farah can't be godmother.
- Why not? - Maybe because she's a bit Negro.
- Just a tad! - Like a tan, it doesn't bother.
- Put him on. - Okay.
- Father Angelo! - Sir!
- Hear me clearly? - Yes.
Do I remove your nephew's fine, or not?
Goodbye.
- Come on, inside! - See, it all works out.
Make it fast, I've got a baptism and still have to dress!
Officer, I stopped this Salvemini Michele.
Says he's a singer, but I've never heard of him.
- Singer? - So he says.
- Is he in rouble? - Real deep!
Great.
- Who's Salvemini Michele? - Me, sir.
I have to seize your vehicle, there's no revision.
- No! - Yes.
- All your licenses too. - No!
And the insruments for lack of papers.
We have engagements!
Then maybe we can work out an agreement.
Hello everybody! I'm honored to be here
to celebrate little Gabriele's baptism.
I'm glad to see older people here,
those who lived the Golden Age of Music,
with Woodstock, the Isle of Wight.
Lennon and Yoko Ono firing people with "Give Peace a Chance",
Hendrix burning his guitars, the Who smashing theirs.
We have all this repertoire at your disposal.
Any requests?
Farah, come meet my cousin Capobianco Domenico,
from the Banca Popolare of Bari.
His companion Mercedes.
And their little one.
No, I had him with Miguel.
- That boy... - I had him with Thomas.
With Alexander.
- Congratulations, Domenico! - Nice meeting you.
She's more popular than the bank!
I want to dance!
A public sreet closed for a party?
It's the baptism of Capobianco's nephew.
- Regards to the family! - Your helmet!
These old ladies are my aunts and this is Grandma Rosa.
Grandma, you gonna make Farah a sweater?
What color do you want?
How sweet! Maybe white...
Farah, come join the rain!
Careful!
Grandma, you see into the future,
what do you say about Farah?
She's not sincere.
- Which one do you mean? - The one in the red dress!
That's not Farah.
Not sincere... she's a downright whore!
I'm joining the rain too!
Now we can turn the page
and play the Pink Floyd, something psychedelic, lively...
My cousin Susi's a singer,
she won the "Star of Alberobello" contest.
- What do you wanna sing? - "Don't Love Me".
Not "Don't Love Me". No no no no.
I've done it all, but I don't have "Don't Love Me"!
- Uncle! - I've got it!
♪Tell me why you're crying?♪
♪It's happiness.♪
♪And why aren't you eating?♪
♪I don't care for this.♪
♪...and with your thoughts you drift away.♪
No, I've already had some.
- How are things? - Fine.
- What's this? - That's what I said too.
She even told you!
You're giving the godmotherjust a taste?
Load her plate!
- Like there was a war! - I wish!
You'd like that, huh?
♪Don't love me just for the taste of something different.♪
♪Don't love me, it's not right to waste our time together.♪
♪Don't love me and I realize how rue a lie is,♪
♪if I'm not worth your love, don't love me...♪
♪but don't send me away.♪
Farah, where are you?
Dessert!
- I can't take anymore. - What's the matter?
You've been eating since 2 o'clock!
- It's barely midnight! - When does this party end?
You have to see a wedding, this is just a get-together.
- A get-together? - Yeah, something small.
Fireworks!
Come on, there's spaghetti after!
You can't imagine,
these people are crazy!
You know Ramadan? Well, they don't!
Farah, your room's ready.
- It's my brother. - Hi, Soufflé!
I'll call you tomorrow.
Let's go.
I'll show you something.
See Grandma Rosa?
Why does she sleep there?
She hasn't slept in the bedroom since Grandpa died.
I'll show you something.
I always used to do this!
Now I'll get her all wound up!
Let's go.
- Turn it off. - No.
Let her sleep!
No, tomorrow your sweater's all done.
- Bye, Auntie! - Bye.
- Call when you get there. - Don't worry.
Farah, Grandma's sweater!
She's still not up yet,
- I'm calling the doctor today. - No!
Stop sressing Grandma. Let her rest.
- Have a good rip. - Bye.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Can I see your pockets? - Who are you?
Anti-Shoplifting.
You know what my pension is? Jerk!
Fuck off!
- RELATIONSHIP STATUS: ENGAGED -
- TO: MARIA -
So you'll be a priest. Then what?
Know what it means to be near Bernini sculptures,
paintings by Caravaggio, Guido Reni, Antonello da Messina,
Da Vinci's "The Last Supper"?
What do you know about art? Tell me about Farah.
What's happening to me is incredible.
I've had other flings, but always with a 38 B cup, a 40 C cup.
My last was a 36 and a push-up made it 38.
But if your heart races for a 34 B cup...
maybe that's love.
- What are you talking about? - What do you know about tits?
You're a man, you should know these things,
lots of paintings show boobs hanging out.
You took cold.
Or maybe it was that swim.
Checco's gone for medicine, he'll be right back.
Your fever will go down and you'll feel better.
You're so lovely!
I really wanted a girl.
Mom!
Where are you Mom?
What is it? I'm here with you.
Mom's right here.
She'll get better fast with the medicine.
Let's hope.
- Guess what she did before! - What?
She talked in Arabic, sounded crazy.
No, she's not Arab!
I thought she was too,
but she's French, Ma Ghrebi's line.
Ma Ghrebi? Who's that?
I don't know, I even looked it up in the dictionary,
but maybe it's really old.
Grab the phone, or she'll wake up!
The bath is free.
So, go crap!
- Who was it? - A maniac.
Know all maniacs that ry it on?
I'll stay here, go on home.
- You'll stay? - In case she feels sick again.
- Let me stay. - No, go along home.
Bye, Farah.
It's gone down.
- "THE RENAISSANCE" -
It happens sometimes... Sometimes...
I work just great!
It's that jerk Zalone's fault.
You can't get it up and it's Zalone!
That guy could jeopardize my promotion.
We might not get back to Rome.
No, Zalone or no Zalone, I'm going back to Rome.
First it's your heart, you can't take Viagra
and there's no action.
Then the heart recoups, Zalone comes and there's no action.
There's never any action here! Know what?
If this keeps up, I'm going back to Rome alone.
Alone?
Let's talk it over!
This is an important day, your son has become a priest.
He might become something else in the future, right Ivano?
Actually, Father Ivano.
- I can say? - Of course!
I'll be responsible for the artistic heritage of the Church in Milan.
- A tiny gift! - You didn't tell us.
I'll tell you another later.
Would you pour these glasses?
Rossella's nice!
What fun! Why don't we spend a week-end together in Rome?
- Farah, have you seen Rome? - No, never.
Rome's a blast. I might be ransferred there.
- Really? - To be bodyguard... to the Pope.
It's not a sure thing, they say there's a chance.
I'm giving it 100%, but it's not my decision.
Farah, let's get a drink.
Darling, it's nothing!
This summer I'll be on a spiritual rereat with the bishop.
Ivano!
I'd like to see to a friend, be right back.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you, Checco.
But we've gotta leave, she just got over a fever.
- You look well though. - Yes, thank you.
We've got a little gift for you.
- An olive ree! - An Apulia original.
- Like it? - It's beautiful!
Who knows what you paid!
- Capobianco Nicola. - Who's that?
His cousin in the Foresry Service.
You've become so integrated!
Bye, Rossella!
Hey, Farah, I got this.
Cake, I swiped it from the buffet.
So you've got breakfast tomorrow.
Listen, it's clear by now.
We've had days together, it's time to say...
I mean, I think that...
Come on!
That... it's cold here evenings,
it's cold and relapses are ugly, so don't stand in drafts.
Okay.
- Well, I have to say... - Okay, you say it.
Say it.
It's easier for a woman.
Say it!
Be careful on the road.
Bye, Checco.
- I'll call you? - Sure.
- When? - At 6.
At 6.
Bye!
You're a jerk, Checco, a real jerk!
That was the right time to tell her.
Checco, tongue-in or if you're serious, say so.
A guy like you, embarrassed!
It was the perfect time, you say: I'm in love...
Giovanni, I'm in love with this car.
Blows your mind, a 1993 Porsche, brand new.
Blows your mind, you gotta see it. Bye.
Giovanni, a friend. Farah, tell me.
I wanted to say something...
Let's get it said, come on!
St. Teresa.
I have to take the photos again, they were too dark.
- Can you help me? - Sure.
You can? Thanks.
Bye, Checco.
Let's go home, jerk.
Moving on to the 1600s,
we come to the renown painting of St. Teresa,
one of the most beautiful and important works in the museum.
Notice her gaze especially.
It's the gaze of ecstasy, famous in the history of painting.
What's the matter?
The painting's gone!
Farah!
Excuse me.
Checco, what...?
Are you crazy?
Goddammit! Look!
- What did you do? - It got scraped.
Just had body work, bastards!
Checco, I mean the painting!
Right, the painting...
- It's this? - Yes, it is.
I brought it for the pictures.
Come on, let's get the shots, it's gotta go back.
- You're crazy! - Crazy? I work there.
Get some ecstasy!
Now let's do one...
just the Porsche, scoot the painting.
He dressed as a security guard, these guys are experts.
It's a priceless painting, I don't know how this could happen.
It's an enormous loss for the museum, for mankind!
Believe me, for the 1600s, this painting represents...
Excuse me, guys, make way.
Dude, pictures come out dark, I ried it too.
What's all this crowd?
People, let's break up!
Darling, sweetheart, they found the painting.
It wasn't stolen, Checco took it home.
- Race to the hospital! - But it's good news!
- Hello. - Hello.
Yo, Ivano!
So?
- It regards your work. - Wait... you're sending me to Rome?
No, we're sending you home.
We can no longer respect your conract.
We're very sorry, but tomorrow's your last day.
Guys, was there some disservice, some deficiency?
No!
Absolutely perfect...
We're lacking funds
so we're unable to meet our commitments,
but certainly, with your ability, your talents,
you'll find other work....
So good luck. May the Lord bless you.
Bye, Checco.
Please excuse me, Eminence.
Father Ivano?
Have you seen Checco?
It's not a good day for Checco.
From tomorrow he won't be working here.
Why?
- For the painting? - Yes, for the painting.
- Bye, Farah. - Bye.
Ivano!
I'm so sorry!
You know, being with Farah I thought I had a look at the future,
instead: back home!
Instead I have big news.
Maria and I have decided to consummate.
At last!
But we don't know where to go.
Go to my rullo.
Really? Can I?
Thanks.
I took these for you.
They're the top cookies, for me you're my best friend.
For me too they're the top cookies.
They're delicious! Thanks.
Bye!
Don't worry, you'll find something.
We have the explosive.
Tomorrow's the big day.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Second thoughts?
Forgotten what they did to us?
No, never.
Are you crazy my brother?
We'll do it.
Good for you, little sister.
We'll do it.
The clash deepens between America and Iran.
Government sources in Teheran announce they're close
to the production of arms with enriched uranium.
From America come the first...
- Anna, may I kindly have some coffee? - At the cafe!
May I kindly...
Go, Iran, go with enriching!
Take me outta this hell!
- My boy! - I'm off.
Today's your last day, then you're free.
- Why the fucking smile? - Consolation.
That's Italy for you.
Our beloved Italy, the counry you fight for.
Fight...
I cook!
Checco, don't worry, I'll buy you a new old model.
Anna, we're alone at last.
Let's make love?
Just a thought...
Farah!
- What are you doing? - I wanted to say hi.
How nice!
- How are you? - So-so...
Oh, well.
- I'm so sorry. - Don't worry.
What will you do now?
A guy like me always finds a job!
Don't worry.
I brought you a gift.
- For me? - Yes.
So I'll open it.
What? Not now.
Why?
Open it at 6, when your shift's over.
At 6? As you say.
Please, right below the Madonnina.
- Why the Madonnina? - Because it's beautiful there.
No, because that's where we met.
I think you're the best security guard I've ever met.
Yeah! I know already.
See you this evening, I have something to say,
clear, this time.
Gotta run, or they'll fire me.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Hi. - Hi.
He never barked. Is he bonkers?
Be good, Tick. It's Checco!
Guys, remember, keep your eyes open.
Tomorrow I won't be here to help.
Don't look so sad.
I'm sorry too.
Is this the place?
Don't you like it?
This is what they gave me.
Okay, let's go!
This is your captain to inform you about our flight.
We'll be in Paris on schedule...
How did it go?
Just fine.
Let's go!
It's a sin, that's a sign from God.
Overboard, man!
You could have used a firecracker... orjust some caps!
Maria!
♪Magic has come my way, my life is bright today,♪
♪her eyes are black, her face "mo' slim"♪
♪and she loves me.♪
♪My ma's named Anna,♪
♪her Ma's Ghrebi,♪
♪she's with me, what harm can it be?♪
♪Love has no religion name, Catholic, Mormon, it's all the same.♪
♪Believe me, love's a ringing bell, love's when you feel a swelling,♪
♪a swelling, a swelling... a swelling in your heart.♪
♪Love has no religion name, no confines, we're all the same,♪
♪not American, not Bolshevik,♪
♪love is when she grabs your...♪
♪when she grabs your...♪
♪all of it!♪
Farah?
Dear Checco, maybe I should have told you my real story,
write that I used to have a nice family like yours,
a wonderful mother and father, a welcoming home,
then one day a bomb took them from me.
But today I don't want to be sad anymore.
Thanks to you I found my smile again
and that's why I write you just...
- WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY -
We needed to desroy their history.
Don't worry.
Checco will handle it.
Father Bruno, how do you feel in this rest home?
Fine. How's Checco?
Checco was fired a month ago, he's at home.
- I'm sorry! - He doesn't feel so well.
He fell in love with a pretty girl who just disappeared.
Did you talk to Father Bruno?
See all the things I helped you do today?
The post office, furniture store, the seamsress,
then you say I have no patience, I don't collaborate.
- Home now? - No, the market.
You're a pain in the ass!
My nuts are busting with all these errands!
You're a hick.
First Father Bruno then the fucking furniture you made me buy!
Checco, the new parish priest wants to meet you.
- I don't wanna. - He's young, a nice boy.
Don't give a damn! Tell him to come tomorrow.
Don't be impolite.
Come on!
Ivano!
She just disappeared from one moment to the next!
I thought she felt good with me.
I don't know, maybe my family's a little meddling,
they're southerners... Dunno.
But she's a pretty girl, isn't she?
I don't understand about girls, just works of art.
What can I say? Let's hope she calls.
Farah's not coming back, she's in her own counry by now.
- How do you know? - Before she left she wanted to talk to me,
but I can't say, there's the seal of confession.
The other priest would tell me everything!
I can say she felt loved,
for the first time, with you and your parents, she felt at home.
What did she say about me?
She gave me the idea she liked me or at least...
She said you saved her life and she saved yours.
Don't take it like that!
Bye, see you around.
Before I left the bishop,
I answered a call asking for our best security man.
- You gave my name? - Yes.
- Thanks. - They'll be calling.
Let's hope!
Father Ivano, get pedaling!
Checco, cheer up!
Rome at last!
How fantastic!
How about two boom-boom cocktails?
I'll get them.
Hi, yes, we're here.
He starts tomorrow at St. Peter's: head of security.
No, we have an engagement tonight...
The Pope's visit to the Holy Land has ended,
here is live footage of his car about to enter
the gates to the Vatican...
Okay, bye.
Gismondo, darling?
Checco, over here!
Get the Pope to bless him.
We'll have him do it.
Hey, Holiness, how about a blessing for my cousin!
Come on, get out, it's a beautiful day.
See who's here? The Pope!
- Tell the Pope your name. - What a lovely child!
What's your name?
Capobianco...
Benedetto.
They named him after you!
Know who he is? He's Michele's nephew.
What Michele? Where's he live?
- The hardware store... - The road to Pontigliano?
- There's a fish store opposite... - Where I had the raw mussels?
So good!
Sync: easytobeaman